Tuesday, June 01, 2010

Bloom...

Everything is blooming these days.  My irises... they are blooming.  Yellow, maroon, white, purple... so many colors in my garden.  The dinner plate sized poppies are bright red and here and there I can see buds on the daisies... summer is coming up on us.  And I have been struggling.

Last week was hard.  So many milestones... Sarah turned nine months old.  She got her first ear infection and cut her top two teeth.  Josie completed kindergarten got her hair cut off short... These two are blooming...

But my heart is just hurting.  I have been in a place filled with such longing.  For this one...

The hell it is to want to hold my princess like that again.  My arms literally ache to pick her up, to nuzzle that neck, to make faces to make her smile.  I have been feeling so lost.  I still have moments when I look up from the dishes at the sink, the stack of laundry in my hands, the dinner on the stove and think "it's really happened.  She's really gone.  This is real."

It is still sinking in.  How I can still struggle with it is beyond me... but the heart wants what the heart wants and I long for my child to be here with us.

You see, it was another milestone.  Nine months of life gone by without Sweet Marie...  How we miss her so still, daily.  Every moment is filled with reminders.

Yesterday I cut into the first watermelon of the summer.  "Mama, do you remember how she loved watermelon?"  "Marie loved being tossed in the air too"  "She would have loved this weather"  "She loved ice cream".  "We painted Marie's toes this color".  "This was Marie's shirt/Marie's doll/Marie's blanket"  The little everyday things we do are filled with echos of Marie.  Becuase she did them with us.

And now the times gone by but the hurts still fresh and I don't think it will heal.

We went yesterday to visit our girl in the garden of stone.  We visited the soldiers and family too.  It was so beautiful there with the sun shining, flowers on nearly every grave and so many flags waving...  I notice the babies graves now, ours is not the only one there.  Some are new, just months before Marie.  Some are older, gone 90 years, gone 60 years, gone 30 years... and there are still flowers on those graves.  Because someone remembers those babies and misses them.  There were lots of flowers at Marie's stone.  It was nice to see that she is loved and missed...

It's going to be ok.  I know where she is.  I know how to get there... it will only feel like a moment we've been apart... someday.  Only today, it hurts.  But in these valleys of sorrow is the room for growth.  I want to become what the Lord wants me to become.  I want to grow from this, to not be broken by sadness.  I want to continue to live with the joy that I learned from Rie Rie...

I got my hair cut, I painted my nails.  I am going to bake a cake with Miss Josephine... I am going to try to bloom too...
Photobucket

5 comments:

ANewKindOfPerfect said...

Shan, I can't begin to imagine the pain that you are in. I think you will probably think of beautiful Marie every day, forever. She was too lovable not too. I am sorry for the pain.

Your little Sarah is growing so big! She is adorable, as is Josie. :)

clarissa said...

I will never be tired of hearing how your heart hurts... I know that Marie will be missed everyday until the day you are with her again. Thats the way it is... and its sad. My heart hurts for you... but I can not ease your pain. I can only pray that God will give you His peace, comfort, strength. I do pray for you all and think of you all often! I LOVE that picture of you and Marie... I can see the love you have for each other... I know that look on Marie's face... its love, joy, contentness... so precious and beautiful. May God wrap His arms around you Shannon, and hold you tight until you join Marie in Heaven! Praise God for the gift of His Son, so that we can cling to this promise and hope of being reuniting in Heaven with Jesus and our loved ones!
I'm so glad that you got a haircut, painted your nails, etc... sometimes its the little things in life that bring a smile! Hugs to you...

Anonymous said...

I feel your pain and understand it.

Just imagine though if you did not express your feelings how much more pain you would be holding inside.

It is also so very emotionally healthy to talk about Marie in your every day life, remembering her favorite foods or toys. Imagine how cold and empty you would feel never mentioning her name when you thought of her.

Peace to you and your family.

Deborah Ann

Jenn said...

I will also never tire of hearing of your pain. It is the only way I know to help you, my friend. Much love to you all.

Jonk said...

You might not feel like blooming, but maybe that's because your roots are too busy growing deeper.