Wednesday, June 30, 2010


Its finally here.  It feels like summer.  The heats on, the flies bite at dusk.  There's dragon flies swarming about eating the mosquitoes.  My little girls dress in sundresses and tank tops and we don't wear shoes unless they're flip flops.

Some praise is in order!  Lord, THANK YOU for carrying Abigail through.  According to her Mama little Miss Abigail is relaxed, smiling and resting well.  She seems to have bounced back and we praise YOU Father for that gift.  Of course You knew she would.  But thank you Father!

Isn't it awesome when you can just feel how good God is?

This last weekend brought our first trip to the lake in three years.  Marie was born in March and so she was so tiny her first summer and for a reason we couldn't put our finger on we felt so protective of her.  Her second summer she wasn't well at all and though we wanted to take her we knew we shouldn't.  Last summer she was doing so amazing... but she hated long car rides and melted in the heat.  So we came up with other summertime things to do.

Life feels so removed from how it used to be.  I carry this longing for Marie inside my chest and it's constant.  She is in my thoughts, and even when I'm not thinking of her there's a feeling that can only be described as an ache.  I don't think it will go away in this life. 

I had to call the monument company that placed her headstone.  Something happened at the cemetery and her vase was knocked off it's base beside her headstone.  Whatever hit it hit hard.  There's a bit of a chip in the marble vase and rather than leave it loose we brought it home and put it in the garage.  I had to call them to have it repaired.  We are such a tiny place that they won't fix it until they have another stone to place here.  I don't know how long Marie's vase will sit in the garage.  It bothers me.  It bothers me that I had to make that call.  That I had to say "I need to talk to someone about repairing my daughters headstone".

But I did it, and I felt good.  Because I can take care of that for her, take care of her in that way.  That is one of the things I struggle with most.  What do you do when your child doesn't need you to care for her anymore?  There are no kisses needed from me, she gets kisses from Jesus now.  There are no stories read, she's living in a happy ending.  She doesn't need me to take care of any owies, nothing hurts ever hurts there.  She doesn't need me in the night, there is no night in Zion.  So what can I do?  Well, I think of her constantly and I talk about her all the time.  And that's how I take care of Marie... That's what I tell myself.  Once the vase is fixed we have a new little Tinkerbell figurine for her stone.  Rie Rie loved Tinkerbell.  Even though we know she's not there it feels good to have memories of her all around her headstone.

So, it was good to get out of town.  To spend some time together as a family without the chores of home, the stresses of everyday.  Sarah loved the water, which didn't surprise me at all.  Did I ever tell you, when we gave Sarah her first bath she didn't cry?  Not even a whimper.  Now, she loves her head under the shower spray, she plays like crazy in the wading pool we got for the dog.  She loved the water at the lake.  She also loved the sand, being outside, eating teddy grahams on our old Harley Davidson quilt that Marie picnicked on last summer.  She played and played and then fell asleep with her Aunt Gail in the shade and had about the best day you can have when you're ten months old.

And she is, ten months.  Ten moths of smiles, cuddles, kisses and getting to know our white haired little girl.  That also means ten months of missing Little Mama.  Trying to live with Marie in Heaven.  Ten months since I kissed her goodnight.  And because I want to focus on the good it's ten months of freedom for Marie.  Ten months of running and never tiring, ten months of joy, ten months of being Home.  Of course she has no idea... I don't believe that there's any time there.  Time is a thing created by man.  In Heaven she is just perfect and when I walk in and scoop her up she won't be aware that Mama was away for any time at all.

But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.  Isaiah 40:31 NIV

So, that's sort of my week.  Ten month anniversaries, I cleaned a lot of sand out of coolers and towels, and I have been running Josie to swim lessons and gymnastics.  Luke has been busy too.  Wheat harvest is approaching fast, they have been getting the combine, tractors, grain cart and semi ready.  We are anticipating beginning to cut wheat on the tenth of July but that is subject to change depending on the whims of God and nature.  I am getting recipes ready and soon I'll do the shopping for harvest meals.  If all goes well we will be harvesting wheat for about two weeks.

The LORD will indeed give what is good, and our land will yield its harvest.  Psalm 85:12

I'll leave you with pictures from our summertime...  Every time I hear that word I have the lyrics from the Sublime song in my head...

Summertime... and the livin's easy...

Josie out in the water...

Marie, almost exactly one year ago today... This picture has so many things I remember of her.  That smile, happiest in her swing, barefoot, in a sundress...  She is so beautiful...



Lori said...

She sure is beautiful!

I like it when I have to fix things at Megan's grave site as well. I need to get some annuals planted because my perennials keep getting whacked by the trimmers because they aren't blooming yet.

I am glad you are getting out more also. I find it hard to go on new and exciting adventures without feeling like I've left someone behind also. I wonder if our girls feel the same way about us?

2awesomekidz said...

Love the pics, those 3 sweet girls are beauties!! Looks like a ton of fun! I think this grief thing is like doing hurdles and first they are spaced to close to each other it is such a stuggle to get over the next, and as time goes by the hurdles are spaced further apart so you have a nice break in between the next. Hope to see you guys soon! Tami and Paige!

clarissa west said...

There are so many things we don't/can't do in the summertime because of Abigail and the heat... So many of our family and friends get together at lakes/parks/rivers, we never go... it's okay, we are used to it. we do our own thing. But what a different life we will have when Abigail leaves us. So strange.

And I was thinking about it the other day... what do you do when your baby dies? how can you just turn off your desire/instinct to protect and care for them? how hard it must be!

I agree 100% with you that heaven has no time... Marie is not missing you (bittersweet, I bet) and when you join her it will be like you were never apart. In fact, it's like we are already there... does that make sense?

Loved the pictures... Marie is so, so, so beautiful... and so much like my Abigail. Amazing little girls!

Keeping you all in my prayers!