I try very hard to keep my head up. I try to constantly be in praise. To thank God for how long we had Marie. I make a choice every day to be thankful for what a blessing her life was, how much I learned from her, how wonderful He made her, for where she is now... on and on. I want to hold on to the positive, stay rooted in hope and have a firm grip on my Jesus' robe. I will be in Heaven with her someday and I will see my girl again.
Still, it is so hard to be on earth without her.
When I think of Marie now I almost always see her running, laughing, singing, jumping. In my minds eye she is perfect and healthy and full of life. I think this is God's gift to me, that He would have me see my child as she is now in Heaven. There is no sickness, no Leigh's Disease, no broken body. There is only the perfect, perfect form that He intended.
This morning at swim lessons I sat and waited for Josie. While I was waiting they marched the platform class (three and up) to the diving board. Tiny little people, tiny little bathing suits. Terrified of the board. One by one they marched up the ladder. Some tiptoed out to the edge of the board and turned around, other's were lowered oh so slowly to the waiting arms of the lifegaurd below.
Watching them it hurt.
If life had gone according to my plan my three year old would have been in that class. It would have been her first year taking swim lessons and today would have been her first time off the diving board. I know my girl's spirit. Full of life, naughty, filled with the joy of being a child of God, a little bit of a daredevil, a fighter, a fierce little spirit.
I wasn't able to watch her swim this morning. God's plan was different. Because of a sin filled world Marie was born with a disease and she suffered. My Father, her Father stepped in and healed her, brought her home to Him and she's there now... and my arms ache for her.
She swims in the waters of Heaven safe and secure.
I know my girl though. I know that this morning, she would have jumped.