Indian summer...

"See that you do not look down on one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven."
Matthew 18:10

Fingerprint Friday... Photos.

Please continue to pray for Abigail!  Her mom Clarissa posted an update.

There is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman that says: 

I can see the fingerprints of god
When I look at you
I can see the fingerprints of god
And I know its true
You're a masterpiece
That all creation quietly applauds
And you're covered with the fingerprints of god

So look around you and see where YOU can see God's fingerprints. Is it in nature? Kids? Animals? Where do you see them? Visit The Rusted Chain to join. 

My fingerprint this week is just pictures... Where we are at the moment.  And what's a blessing is in thirty years I will be able to look back at the pictures and it will kick start all these memories...

Child labor...

Sisters...

Beautiful...

39 weeks, 1 day...

Beautiful memories...

Silly girl...

Her eyes...

"I think it is right to refresh your memory as long as I live in the tent of this body..." 2 Peter 1:13 NIV

39 weeks... the hard way.

Today it is official.  I am one week from my due date.

And I haven't had much time to think about it.  Last week Josie brought home a nasty head cold.  Friday Sarah really seemed to catch it and by Sunday evening we knew something was up.  A long night Sunday and a doctor appointment Monday and it was confirmed Sarah has croup.  I have been up nights with her and busy days with her just trying to get through it.  I've never had a little one with croup before.  Her cough is better now, not as barky, but the steroid pills they put her on are terrible.  She's cranky, they taste terrible, I'm tired.  It's not a great combination.  She's still really not feeling good but we are seeing some improvement.

Luke worked 15 hours yesterday.  He was literally not home at all.  He's trying to get all the wheat sown way up north.  They just finished section 11 and Tolstrip... on to Barnika's today and back to the farm place tomorrow.  As soon as he's done with that it's time to start picking up the millet they swathed the beginning of the month.  There are three and a half fields, or another three days of work there.  He hasn't been home since Friday when they were able to start sowing wheat again.

We are a little overwhelmed.  I don't like this journal because it sounds like I'm complaining.  Really I'm not, we're blessed.  Blessed to be expecting, blessed that Sarah is strong enough to cough hard and fight this virus, blessed that Luke has work and we are provided for.  The truth is though that we have a lot going on!

Josie is struggling.  Anxiety is something she deals with all the time but lately it's been worse.  She has a hard teacher this year.  Last year she had a very sweet teacher who mothered her, this year her teacher is really pushing personal responsibility.  It is hard for my sensitive, anxious girl some days.  So there's been that too.  We really just need to get through the year with this teacher... and there's a lesson in it for her.  About how it's not always easy with other's in this world.  I just hate to see her worry over school.

 I am so glad that I don't have to worry about Marie getting this virus that Sarah is fighting.  She just couldn't cough.  Then I feel guilty about  being relieved about that because it means she 's not here.  And I miss her and wish she was here but I am so grateful for Heaven...

So we've hit 39 weeks but the last week has been hard. My next doctor appointment is Monday and my due date is Wednesday, the 5th.  I will talk to the doctor about our options for induction if/when I go over my due date.  I have had to be induced with all three of our girls so far as my labors don't progress.  After going nine days over with Sarah I am going to ask they not let me go past 41 weeks this time.  Poor Sarah was starving at birth, her skin was cracked, and there was meconium in her fluid so her lungs were compromised.  She just baked too long and I would like to avoid that with this little one if I can.  That and the hospital is an hour and forty minuets from here so it would be comforting to have some sort of plan. 

Please continue to lift Abigail up in your prayers as she is still fighting pneumonia...

Prayers for Abigail...

Please take a moment of your day and say a prayer for sweet Abigail...  She is sick and fighting the beginning of pneumonia.  Please pray that she do well with treatments, this does not set her little body back, and can avoid getting any sicker. 

Marie was hospitalized for pneumonia and they were some of Luke and I's scariest days.  Thank you so much!!!

38 weeks...

I have been terrible about writing lately.  I am 38 weeks, halfway to 39.  It is amazing to think that soon there will be another baby in this house, soon our family will change again.  This change will be good. 

It has been a hard road.  My emotions have ruled me and I have grieved through this pregnancy even while I have rejoiced.  And soon she'll be here.  I can't wait to meet her.  I am so excited to see what God has in store for this little girl, what she'll look like, how she'll fit in with her sisters.

Luke is back in the field sowing wheat after a weeks break from the rain.  We are hopeful that he can get all the acres in and some spraying done before our new girl arrives.  I don't think we'll get the millet picked up before she gets here though.

Josie and Sarah fought a tummy bug last week.  This week it is some strange cold with a yucky cough.  I hope all of this clears up soon.

We're just busy with day to day.  Busy and excited waiting for our baby.  Laundry, cleaning, making meals, running after little ladies, it all seems to occupy my time so much more these days.  I am blessed by the busy, blessed by the work.  And always, Marie is in our hearts and on our minds.  She would have loved these cooler days... 


This is how God spoke to me this week...  The Resurrection Body...  




But someone may ask, "How are the dead raised? With what kind of body will they come?" How foolish! What you sow does not come to life unless it dies. When you sow, you do not plant the body that will be, but just a seed, perhaps of wheat or of something else. But God gives it a body as he has determined, and to each kind of seed he gives its own body.  All flesh is not the same: Men have one kind of flesh, animals have another, birds another and fish another. There are also heavenly bodies and there are earthly bodies; but the splendor of the heavenly bodies is one kind, and the splendor of the earthly bodies is another. The sun has one kind of splendor, the moon another and the stars another; and star differs from star in splendor. So will it be with the resurrection of the dead. The body that is sown is perishable, it is raised imperishable...
1 Corinthians 15:35-42 NIV

Mitochondrial Disease Awareness Week

Mitochondrial Disease Awareness Week is September 18-24. 

Mitochondria are:

• Tiny organelles found in almost every cell in the body.
• They are known as the "powerhouse of the cell."
• They are responsible for creating more than 90% of cellular energy.
• They are necessary in the body to sustain life and support growth.
• They are composed of tiny packages of enzymes that turn nutrients into cellular energy
• Mitochondrial failure causes cell injury that leads to cell death. When multiple organ cells die there is organ failure.

MITO HAPPENS!  IT IS NOT AS RARE AS YOU WOULD BELIEVE!

About one in 4,000 children in the United States will develop mitochondrial disease by the age of 10 years.

THERE IS NO CURE FOR MITOCHONDRIAL DISEASE.

All families can do is treat symptoms, and try to slow the progression of the disease. 

Marie had Leigh's Disease, it is one of the most severe forms of Mitochondrial Disease.  She fought hard and we are so proud of her... still, there are so many children and adults who are fighting.  It is hard to loose someone to a disease no-one knows about or understands.

Please, in memory of our Little Mama pass along the information about Mitochondrial Disease this week.

You can learn more by visiting MitoAction.

On Wednesday join us in Light a Light for Mito and light a candle in memory of all of those who have fought Mitochondrial Disease and were called Home. 

Every day we miss our Princess... Please join us in the HOPE FOR A CURE!!!

Marie, wide eyed at the Downtown Aquarium in Denver, CO August 2009...

Princess Sarah turned two...

Here are a few photos from her party.  It was a beautiful day and she was surrounded by a lot of special people to help her celebrate.  She was also spoiled rotten...

You can download, print, and make the banner yourself here.

I say it all the time, but we really are so blessed to have Sarah Kate in our lives.  Her white blond hair, infectious smile, quick hugs, fiery spirit, and roll with the punches attitude have been such a comfort to us.  God made Sarah Kate something special indeed!

Mercies...

Last Sunday marked two years.  Two years since Mama flew home. Two years since God stepped in and said "Enough!" and wrapped her in His arms and took her back.  And thank you Father... but it still hurts.

The truth is I am having a really hard time.  I am so very pregnant with this fourth baby, and while that is a huge blessing that I cannot give thanks enough for, it also means my emotions are ruling me right now.  And right now they scream for that child.  I miss her so much.  I miss everything about being around Marie.  I am going to have a baby soon, and the last time I had a baby I lost one.  That sort of messes with your head.  The waves of grief keep rolling in and I am struggling to keep myself above water.  That, along with the day to day business of a second grader, a two year old and a farmer husband and I feel spread thin.

So last weekend we celebrated Sarah, and we grieved Marie.  Sarah's party was Saturday, Sunday in an attempt to get through the day Luke and I decided to take the girls up to the lake.  We loaded up the pickup, and the dog, the coolers, and the chairs and left.  The weather was beautiful, the lake was empty.  We spent the day being together, I prayed a lot and watched my children in the water and it was good.  There were still a lot of tears because how can you not shed tears in missing that baby.  She was really something and we were blessed with two years, five months and twenty five days of Marie...  And even if it had been 100 years it wouldn't have been enough.

Still, there were some mercies last weekend.  I think that God sent us a few amazing gifts...

 On Saturday, Sarah's birthday, it was hard.  Luke and I had to leave Marie that day to go to the hospital for me to be induced.  It broke our hearts to leave.  Since she went Home there have been a lot of butterflies.  Actually, just days after she passed my flowers were covered in literally clouds of monarchs like we have never seen before.  On Saturday there was a huge yellow butterfly on Marie's flowers (Josie picked one of these flowers and put it in Marie's hand before the funeral home took her body away).  It was as though God said "See, she is with Me". 

This spring we planted a crab apple tree for Marie.  One grew at our old house and many hours were spent lying beneath it with her staring up at the branches.  Her little tree had a tough summer.  After we planted it we got seven inches of rain in four days.  Then it got hot and the leaves withered up and a lot of them blew away.  Finally this August the tree seemed to take hold and thrive.  It is a little thing, only about five feet tall.  After Sarah's party Saturday we were cleaning up the back yard and Josie called us over to see this.  One tiny branch on that little tree had bloomed with two snow white flowers.  Just in time for the day of the year that we dread most.  Out of season, there were crab apple blossoms for Marie's anniversary day.

 The plaque we placed beneath her tree.

 Sunday the lake was beautiful.  No wind, no big waves, not too hot.  Just sun and sand and quiet.

Two years... and it's not getting easier.  The waves of grief don't hit as often but when they do they hit just as hard.  We are so grateful that we know where Marie is and we'll see her again.  It just doesn't make being apart right now that much easier.  She was something special and we miss that baby so much.

We love you Isabella...  Little Mama... Rie Rie.

Fingerprint Friday...

There is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman that says:
I can see the fingerprints of god
When I look at you
I can see the fingerprints of god
And I know its true
You're a masterpiece
That all creation quietly applauds
And you're covered with the fingerprints of god
So look around you and see where YOU can see God's fingerprints. Is it in nature? Kids? Animals? Where do you see them?  Visit Beki at The Rusted Chain to join in!

My Fingerprint happened this morning.  In the busy of getting Josie off to school and setting up Sarah's big girl toddler bed for her birthday Luke was putting the crib back together.  Taking off the rail making it a toddler bed and putting on the rail making it a baby bed.  He raised the mattress and stepped back calling me to come and see the finished work.

As I waddled down the hallway to him big with what is most likely our last baby the look on his face was my gift.  The smile and the look in his eyes as he watched me walking to him carrying his baby that he'd just put the crib together for is one I want to remember forever.  Because I know by that look how much I am loved even if my farmer struggles with the words.  His eyes tell me....  and God's fingerprint is all over that.

Seven years, four little girls, joy and sorrow, a life built together and so much still ahead of us.  Everyday in my prayers I thank God for Luke...

Another week....

School started and another week has flown by.  Luke has been in the tractor spraying weeds, getting fields ready to sow wheat in September.  The millet is ready to cut, we went to Nebraska to the big county fair.  I am 34 weeks and getting baby clothes ready.  Sarah will be two, Marie will be gone two years...

Life is weird.

This summer I have felt like I've walked this path before.  Being pregnant again, my due date only just about a month later.  Only Little Mama is not here with me.  And I remember falling asleep in the afternoons with her talking herself to sleep.  Rubbing the back of her neck behind the curls because she'd calm down then.  And chocolate kisses in the afternoon, snuggling her to sleep at night when she'd hold on to my hair or hold my necklace in her fist.  And today I bought her new flowers for her tombstone, for her anniversary.

That is something no mother should ever buy.  I should still be holding her here.  I should still be kissing her goodnight and washing her clothes and painting her nails.  Life is weird.  Two years and this life, while blessed, is not as full without Marie in it.  Everything is different now.  I have changed.

I am now a compulsive list maker.  It helps me to keep my anxiety in check.  I never had anxiety before and I loved thinking I was this free spirit who could just roll with it all.  Not so much.  Now I make a note, I cross it off, I have to.

I check over and over again at night that doors are locked, babies are breathing, lights are off.  I always turn around before I leave the house, I double check before I close the garage door.  I cannot shake the feeling that I have forgotten something.

I question myself more.  Am I doing a good enough job, am I good enough in prayer, am I leading my daughters the right way?  Am I a good example to them?  Somehow Marie gave me confidence in those things, I struggle to find that now.

I keep to myself in ways I never did before.  I am closed off with my emotions when asked how we are doing.  The same as we were, we still hurt.  But that's the hard answer and I don't want the conversation so I say fine.

And again I am getting ready for a baby and praying it will be healthy.  I am snuggling a two year old (almost!) again.  I am getting used to Josie being back in school... and life cycles back to where it was before.  And I should be used to that, the wife of a farmer.  Every year we cycle through the same work in the same seasons again...  And I suppose it will be this way until I go Home...

I cannot believe another year has come and gone... how have I gone without kissing that freckle on her forehead so long?  Though we are better at coping now the pain is still the same.  And this weekend we will celebrate and mourn.  The Bittersweet...  And life cycles on. 

Random... and pickles.

Tonight is back to school night.  Josie will take her school supplies in, meet her teacher, then we're coming home and having tacos.  I cannot believe the time has come.

Tomorrow I will be 33 weeks.  It has flown but it is dragging all the same.  I am looking forward to meeting this new little girl.

I am struggling with feeling guilty about that excitement.  With Sarah I was so grateful for just the day, and how Marie was doing, and I really never daydreamed much about the little life within me.  I was grateful for hearing she was growing well, I was praying like crazy that the baby thrive, but I never felt that giddy excitement.  I feel so bad that I didn't do that for Sarah, and guilty for feeling it now.  Mama guilt is complicated.  Extra kisses now make up for it.

Tonight we are having Carne Asada Tacos using the recipe Clarissa turned me on to.  I never make salsa to go with them and cook the meat in the crock pot.  My family doesn't seem to mind.

I am pretty sure the terrible two's have arrived.  My sweetheart has been a handful lately.

I made eighteen jars of pickles yesterday and tonight I am pulling the cucumber plants.  That is a total of 30 jars of dill pickles.  That is insane.  For Katie, and anyone else who might care, this is my recipe for pickles.  It is a compilation of a recipe found on food.com and Luke's cousin's wife Kendra's spicy dill pickles that are awesome.  I just altered it enough to make a ton!

SPICY DILL PICKLES (this recipe is to make 7 quart jars at a time, for more than that you just keep making another batch of brine because you want it hot)  Beg, borrow, or steal to get a large water bath canner with the rack.  It's just too hard otherwise.

for the jars

fresh dill

jalapeno peppers, enough to do at least one pepper per jar

minced garlic (I just by the jar at the grocery store)

dried dill (because it should be dilly, otherwise what's the point?)

for the brine

8 1/2 cups water (distilled)

2 1/4 cups white vinegar

1/2 cup pickling salt

Steps

1.  Fill water bath roughly 2/3 full with tap water.  Start it boiling, it takes forever.

2.  Fill a small pot with some water and start warming your lids.  I do mine until they just boil and pull it off the heat.

3. Get the brine going.  Mix water, vinegar, and salt and bring to a boil.  Remove from heat.

4.  Get your jars hot.  Do this either by running them through the dishwasher and using them just as they dry or by putting them in a large pot of boiling water.

5.  Slice, dice, get your cucumbers ready.  And dice up the peppers.

All of this will take hours.  It is a slow start.

6.  To prepare jars add to the bottom of each 1 diced jalapeno, 1/2 of a spoon of minced garlic (I just use a spoon from the silverware drawer), a dash of dried dill, and a nice piece of fresh dill.  Don't be skimpy.

7.  Fill jar with sliced cucumbers, try to get it nice an evenly filled, no huge gaps anywhere.  Don't stuff it so much there's no room for the brine.

8.  Pour in the brine (use a funnel).  Add a hot lid and your mason jar ring and set aside.  

Once you have 6-8 jars you are ready to put them in the boiling water bath.  Add jars to boiling water, add water as needed so that when the rack is fully lowered your jars are covered by an inch to two inches of water.  Bring heat back up.  Once it begins to boil I process my quart jars for 20 minuets (if you live over 6000 feet you have to adjust that time).  Pints would process for 15 minuets.  

Once done remove jars and set on a towel to cool for 24 hours.  If the seal hooray, if they don't put them in the fridge and eat them in the next week or so.  

Josie and I are going to work on the baby's blanket (I have made one for each of the girls) and then I have to do her back-to-school mani/pedi.

Summer winding down...

We have been racing and I have not made the time to write down our lives.  It is hard to believe that it is already August.  In no particular order, this is how we have been spending our summer days.

Today we have been finished with wheat harvest for exactly a week and a half.

Today I am 32 weeks.  I cannot believe in two months time we will be meeting our little girl.

Today marks one week and one day before school starts.

Yesterday I drove 303 miles round trip to take Josie to her ear specialist.  We thought she had lost her ear tubes as she has been fighting ear infections for a month.  Turns out she just has a really horrible infection, the tubes are still in place though.  The specialist thinks it may have begun as swimmers ear and then moved into the inner ear.  The infection is so bad that her right ear was literally bleeding.  Three weeks of antibiotic drops and we're going back for a re-check.

Sarah was awesome in the car though.

Last night we had some big thunderstorms move through.  The millet up north and at the farm was hailed.  It has been a summer for terrible storms.

Sarah will be two soon...

Marie will be gone two years soon... that is hard to wrap my mind around and breaks my heart every time I think of it. 

Josie is nervous about starting second grade.  She worries and struggles with change...

We went to the lake with Luke's cousins.  It was good.  We relaxed and had fun and played in the water. 

I have been canning pickles and will do peaches soon.  I actually got myself a present and bought a big water bath canner.  It was embarrassing how excited I was about a canner.  A big pot.  That actually means more work for me.  I am insane.

This weekend is the last real weekend of summer.  School starts on the 18th.