Monday, June 23, 2008

Busy days


I haven't been in the mood to blog the last few days. Actually, that's probably not entirely accurate. I have been in the mood to sit in a lawn chair outside in the sun for as much time as possible lately. Since I don't have a laptop, I haven't been in the mood to post much.

It's really sort of funny, life sort of feels normal. Marie requires a lot of extra care but so much of it has become routine. This is just how our life is, I don't see it as different from other people really. I know that it looks more complicated, and it is, but for the most part, we have adapted.

That said, it's funny how we can be going along doing fine, but then suddenly things are not okay. I'm referring to the emotions that we seem to run through on a given day. I am happy, calm, together, then in an instant something makes me sad, crying, angry, guilty, I feel out of control, no I'm back in control, no- the entire time God was in control I just was delusional. I do a lot of deep breathing and reminding myself little things don't matter. Emotionally I am generally all over the place. And yet, I'm actually happy for a large portion of the time.

I know when I'm out and about I think people are sometimes surprised to see me smile and laugh, make jokes. I think sometimes it's assumed that I must be the saddest person. And I am, but I cannot function that way all the time. It would be miserable, and I want both my girls to experience the joy of things, so we really try to stay up-beat as much as we can. I am sad, but to dwell in it would be to totally miss out on so many things, so I try to concentrate on good.

Sometimes I fail miserably. Sometimes I yell at God for hours. Then I feel bad, guilty even, because it's like being angry or sad is wasted time, I apologize to God and try to do something fun with the girls, because that's what's really important. I feel acutely that time is short, and I have to make the best of it. I've been reading a lot, and thinking a lot, and I've hit a place where I can say "Take it God, it's to heavy for me to carry, please help". It is amazing, when I utter those words I literally feel the weight of my worries lift off my shoulders. I think that in doing that I remind myself that I am not alone, and that this is not my weight alone to carry. It is the most freeing thing.

It's so easy to say, and so easy to forget to do. I would like to think that I'll get better at remembering over time.... luckily, He is patient with me.

We set up Josie's pool in the backyard, Marie floated in there yesterday with Luke's help. She nearly fell asleep, it was the cutest thing. Josie is a daredevil, constantly splashing, shrieking, carrying on. She loves the pool :)

Luke is doing farm things. He really loves his job. We've been getting rainstorms pretty routinely here, and they're calling for thunderstorms every day this week. Hopefully all the severe weather avoids us.

Thank you to everyone who's thought of us and prayed for us lately... we appreciate it so much.

Just a reminder too, if anyone is near Estes Park this weekend head to the Estes Park Brewery for Landon's families fundraiser on Saturday!

1 comment:

Michaelene said...

I love that you would rather be outside than inside posting - that makes my heart happy!
It is amazing how our lives just adjust to different routines, isn't it? When Sophia was hospitalized in April, she was sent home on oxygen for almost 2 weeks and had to be manually hydrated with a syringe, every hour. I found myself amazed at how quickly her oxygen tanks became very easy to haul around, in and out of the car, into the grocery store. And I was even more amazed at how my body unlearned itself at sleeping for too long, knowing that I had to get fluids into my baby girl if I didn't want her back in the hospital. My "normal but different" routine certainly doesn't compare to that of yours with Marie, but I do understand how we just learn to function. And sometimes, it was all made to seem easier if I just smiled.
I just really think that you are an amazing woman, and I have so much respect and admiration for you.
On a much, much lighter note, I'm glad your girlies are havin' some pool time =) We've got rainstorms today, so no swimming here (I'm so glad!). I'm happy for the moisture and the cool down.
Hugs, Love & Prayers!!