Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Busy mind....

"Not that I speak from want; for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me."
Philippians 4:11-13

This is my comfort today. Somehow these words are filling, and I need that at the moment. Today Marie had her blood draw, I posted on it on her website. They stuck her 4 times in an attempt to get enough blood, and though she didn't cry the look in her eyes was terrible. It's funny, after all we've been through, blood draws still hit me the hardest. It is, I think a very basic thing. The blood is needed because somethings wrong. Somethings wrong.

You'd think that eventually I'd wrap my mind around that, but most of the time I'm just busy doing what Mommy's do. I don't focus on the differences between Josie and Marie. I actually think more about how Marie could do everything Josie can do, she'll just need a little more help from me. So, on days when we need tests done it is a very harsh wake up that somethings wrong.

But, I don't look at Marie and see wrong. She is just as she was meant to be, I know I say it all the time, but she is absolutely perfect. I just hate seeing her hurt, I hate that she has to go through all of this, and yet I know it is necessary.

Josie has been asking a lot of questions about Heaven lately too. They're hard to answer, I'm not an authority. I told her that she should ask God some of them, that I just don't know the answer, but I know it's a wonderful place. She's beginning to understand, it's just so abstract. There are moments when I struggle with the idea of what it could be like.

It's a long road we're on. Luckily we have so many people to walk it with us, but sometimes it just makes me tired. Like today, a yucky, yucky, blood draw day.


Michaelene said...

I am at a loss of words because I can't even begin to fathom what you are feeling. I can offer Prayers, and lots of them, every single day. I really wish there was a smaller distance between us because I would like to wrap my arms around you and give you a great big hug!
My love and Prayers to all of you.

2awesomekidz said...

Shan, Sometimes (alot) I feel like you speak through my mind!!
Paige also has been asking alot of questions, and I cannot answer her without tearing up or starting to cry. I tell her Landon will go to heaven and she says I want him to stay here. I just don't know the answers or how to get a 4 year old to understand these things. She tells me it is ok to cry and that she is OK. I know as she gets older things will fall into place and things will be easier for her to understand. We are doing a ton of keep sake things, so she will always have them from her special brother. I am pointing out butterflies and special things to her so that when he is gone, she will see Landon in those special things!!
I was talking to a mom at her preschool the other day, her son is autistic. We were talking about how normal the abnormal is when you are living with it day to day. I said, Landon is 1, he cannot sit, crawl, talk, eat, but he is normal to me. Normal, totally normal.

Sorry this is rambling!!
So glad Marie is doing well!!