This week has been tough, though I can't say why, and I feel guilty for even feeling that way since Marie has really been doing phenomenally well lately. I guess, maybe because she is doing so well I can sort of "let down" and allow myself to deal with some things.
It started the other day when I had to go through the girls things and put away what no longer fits. That is a pretty ordinary, mundane chore. One I had been putting off for over a month. I sorted through Josie's things, she was patient and tried on all sorts of things from last winter to see if they still fit. Then, I moved on to Marie drawers. What can I say about that? Most of her t shirts were put away. Because of the tube she can only wear onesies. I put away her tiny jeans, they're just not comfortable for her anymore. I put away a long sleeved t shirt I bought before she got sick. It was green and said on the front "When I grow up...." below are pictures of astronauts, doctors, ballerinas, etc... It has been too painful for me to even put that shirt on her since October.
There are her tiny converse, hot pink. I bought them because they were too cool to pass up, but I honestly pictured her running around in them one day, perhaps in a tutu. I have a picture of Josie like that, Tinkerbell with lime green converse. I love that picture. Anyway, some dreams die hard.
There is a t shirt that is brown, it has pink and blue waves on the front and says "Dad's Surfer Girl". There is one in 6-9 months, one in 5t. They wore them last summer for Father's Day. I dressed them up and surprised Luke with "Team Daddy". I love those t shirts. I did not put that one away. It is on the top of the pile, there more for Mommy. That is a happy memory, one too good to put in a box in my basement.
I don't know why going through her clothes was so emotional. Maybe it was because there are a lot of memories there. Most days I'm okay, but there are times when it is really hard not to grieve the baby she was before she got sick. Then I look at her, and mentally slap myself across the face. She is beautiful, she is absolutely perfect, she has a smile that is infectious, and even though I never hear her laugh her eyes do. Even though she doesn't cry I know when she needs me, she is God given, and I am grateful to have her. This is such a roller coaster ride.
Even on the saddest days, there are bright spots. Josie is into Hannah Montana suddenly. Where that came from I don't know, but she gives me her best diva impression and sends me laughing through my tears. She's this bizarre cross between Hannah, Fancy Nancy, and Dennis the Menis. Seriously.
Yesterday was beautiful. We were out enjoying the back yard, and the pictures below are from that.
I hope that no one reads these posts and feels bad for me, really I have it pretty good. I have two beautiful girls, my husband provides for us so that I can stay home with them every day. I have a long list of things to be grateful for. Sometimes, this is just a place for me to vent the things that bother me so they're not here, weighing on my heart.
I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!