Thursday, August 14, 2008

All over the place...

This week has been tough, though I can't say why, and I feel guilty for even feeling that way since Marie has really been doing phenomenally well lately. I guess, maybe because she is doing so well I can sort of "let down" and allow myself to deal with some things.

It started the other day when I had to go through the girls things and put away what no longer fits. That is a pretty ordinary, mundane chore. One I had been putting off for over a month. I sorted through Josie's things, she was patient and tried on all sorts of things from last winter to see if they still fit. Then, I moved on to Marie drawers. What can I say about that? Most of her t shirts were put away. Because of the tube she can only wear onesies. I put away her tiny jeans, they're just not comfortable for her anymore. I put away a long sleeved t shirt I bought before she got sick. It was green and said on the front "When I grow up...." below are pictures of astronauts, doctors, ballerinas, etc... It has been too painful for me to even put that shirt on her since October.

There are her tiny converse, hot pink. I bought them because they were too cool to pass up, but I honestly pictured her running around in them one day, perhaps in a tutu. I have a picture of Josie like that, Tinkerbell with lime green converse. I love that picture. Anyway, some dreams die hard.

There is a t shirt that is brown, it has pink and blue waves on the front and says "Dad's Surfer Girl". There is one in 6-9 months, one in 5t. They wore them last summer for Father's Day. I dressed them up and surprised Luke with "Team Daddy". I love those t shirts. I did not put that one away. It is on the top of the pile, there more for Mommy. That is a happy memory, one too good to put in a box in my basement.

I don't know why going through her clothes was so emotional. Maybe it was because there are a lot of memories there. Most days I'm okay, but there are times when it is really hard not to grieve the baby she was before she got sick. Then I look at her, and mentally slap myself across the face. She is beautiful, she is absolutely perfect, she has a smile that is infectious, and even though I never hear her laugh her eyes do. Even though she doesn't cry I know when she needs me, she is God given, and I am grateful to have her. This is such a roller coaster ride.

Even on the saddest days, there are bright spots. Josie is into Hannah Montana suddenly. Where that came from I don't know, but she gives me her best diva impression and sends me laughing through my tears. She's this bizarre cross between Hannah, Fancy Nancy, and Dennis the Menis. Seriously.

Yesterday was beautiful. We were out enjoying the back yard, and the pictures below are from that.

I hope that no one reads these posts and feels bad for me, really I have it pretty good. I have two beautiful girls, my husband provides for us so that I can stay home with them every day. I have a long list of things to be grateful for. Sometimes, this is just a place for me to vent the things that bother me so they're not here, weighing on my heart.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!












10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Your flowers, just like your children are beautiful. Why am I not surprised. Your grass looks pretty good too. Tell L that Gary across the street had better watch out.

Michaelene said...

I never realized what a PERFECT, little nose Marie has! The photo of her profile is just precious ... makes you want to kiss the tip of her nose! And my stars - could Josie be anymore Glam Girl than what she is? They're so flippen cute - great, wonderful photos!
Hugs for their mama - the emotional coaster is the only one that's ever made me queasy and wobbly. One good use for friends is they help hold you up when you're feeling wobbly ;) ...
My love and Prayers are with you! I'm always here - if you need anything at all.
Hugs!

Jenn said...

I have been a lurker here for months and figured it was time to comment. Your posts are always moving for me (generally I leave with tears in my eyes, happy ones and/or sad ones). I think you are doing an AMAZING job with both of your beautiful girls, they are lucky to have you for a mother.

Anyway, the photo of the hands is PERFECT. It is absolutely gorgeous.

Good luck with everything, your family is in my thoughts. xoxo

Holly said...

Don't you ever apoligize for your thoughts. This is your place to come and brag on those babies, vent your emotions, and let it all out! That is why I love reading.. you are so honest, so real. I won't tell you I am sorry- but I'll say thank you. Thank you and please continue to be honest... use this place to write your heart.
NOW, those pictures are precious! The girls are beautiful!! Little Marie is a doll face... and totally smiles! :) Josie, I love your description of her.... she is sooo wonderful! Enjoy them. Give them a hug and a kiss for me! :)

2awesomekidz said...

Oh Shan you put me to tears. This week although I kept busy and was able to maintain. All of the WHY questions have come back to me. Why is this us............. I can't really say why did he have to go, he was suffering and I cannot wish that back. But WHY, why are we the ones that have to pick up every day facing this horrible thing. I soo know what you mean about the clothes. I cleaned out closets a month ago. I bagged the old clothes (kept the special ones for keepsake) and put out all of the winter clothes, of course no jeans either, just comfy pants, thinking how cute he would look in them. Those winter clothes are the only ones that I have bagged since he passed. I some how knew, even though I wished I would see him in them, that I wouldn't. That pisses me off. So I bagged them and gave them away. All of the other stuff is just like it was a month ago. Why do we have to go to Walmart to buy diapers, and buy a small bag because who knows if we will make it through a big box. I thought about that all the time. Why do we have to go to the park, stores, ect and look at all these healthy kids that are learing to walk and wish so badly that it was our child that was healthy. Not that we wished that child was any less healthy than they are. I hate the WHY game. It brings me to my knees to think of what we are going through. I know this is just a another bout of emotions, that will probably come and go for a long time to come.
I am soo glad that Marie is doing soo well and do let your guard down, you deserve to. Take it and love it up!
I love your flowers!! They are beautiful!!
Love you guys!! Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Tami

Mindy Pfohl said...

I love your pictures. I totally get your post. I go through spurts that way and I think you have to be so strong through the hard times and when the quiet times hit... you fall apart because the pressure isn't there. At least that is me. I'm praying for you! You are an awesome mommy! Your posts so much bless me! Hugs!

Laurie said...

Hi Shan,
Thanks for visiting my blog! Your little ones are beautiful! I can tell from your posts that you are such an awesome mommy and your girls are lucky to have you. Thank you so much for sharing your story and your honest feelings. I think it is so important and there are many that can relate. Sending, hugs, and blessings your way!

Renee said...

Beautiful...

brightwells said...

Shannon, I love the new pictures. The girls are so gorgeous! I'm keeping you all in my prayers. Your strength and courage amazes me every time I come here. I hope Marie will have a super week! Take care! Melinda

Milk Mama said...

Your girls are beautiful! Marie is getting bigger. She's always in my prayers!