Friday, October 09, 2009

Another week...

Another week has flown by... time is surreal right now.  It's moving far to quickly, but going slowly at the same time.  I often get the feeling that everything I'm doing requires wading through quicksand...  I forget to do chores, leave the grocery store with only half of what I need, forget to return phone calls... I haven't got my bearings, I'm just sort of drifting.

Sarah is growing like crazy.  With the birth of her little cousin, who I will refer to as Mr. Man and who is completely adorable, I saw that the newborn is all worn off of her.  She has chubby cheeks, fat little legs.  She is a monster in the most wonderful way.  She loves eating, is starting to coo and graces us with fleeting little smiles that seem to get bigger every time she decides to gift us with one. 

Josie is moving forward... there are often days I pick her up from school and she does not want to go home because Marie is not there... The loss of her playmate is still something that is very hard, and I think it will be for a very long time.

We had to go to the accountant yesterday, to prepare for year end.  Farm books, our books.  I do not enjoy the accountant.  Luke and I went together with Sarah in tow and afterward grabbed lunch before heading home.  It feels so odd to be out and about, to do things minus one.  Marie's absence cuts like a knife at these moments, every time we do something without her for the first time it hurts.  Taking Josie to McDonald's without ordering Marie's beloved fruit parfait, without Luke helping her "walk" on the giant musical piano in the play area... it was so hard.  After Josie leaves for school in the morning and I am without Marie and our morning routines, it is hard.

The passage of time is hard.  I don't want to move on without her (though I know in moving forward with life we are not leaving her behind).  I hate how quickly certain things fade with time... I struggle to recall what Marie's weight felt like in my arms now, though I still can smell her soft skin after bath time and see her goofy smile when she was being silly.  I forget how her little fist felt tangled up in my hair when she fell asleep, exactly how hard she pulled... They are tiny things, things that would be difficult to retain and I know this, yet I'm hit with anxiety about forgetting them.  It is difficult though because things fade and I do not want to forget a single thing.

We have ordered Marie's headstone... it is the most difficult purchase I have ever made.  Still it is beautiful and just perfect for my Little Mama.  Since she has passed there have been butterflies everywhere, and there are butterflies on her stone... and gladiolas, which is absolutely perfect.



Josie has decided to be a witch for Halloween, Sarah has a t-shirt to wear telling the world that she is "Daddy's Little Pumpkin" as she is too small for Marie's dragon costume.  I bought Josie a haunted castle cookie house that we will put together this Sunday.  I will dig my Halloween lights out of the storage room and we will put them up, we will carve a pumpkin.  Each of these feels like a monumental task without Marie.  It needs to be done, we need to enjoy things.  It just cuts like a knife to do that without her.

Today, I need to clean bathrooms and put away laundry and Sarah will hang out with me.  I am not here alone.  Still, there's an empty place in my arms for Marie, there's an empty place at the table, an empty seat in the car, and every time we sit down to eat or back out of the garage it's noticed...  It's harder now than it was before, and I'm guessing it's because I'm no longer numb and am really feeling her absence.  Still, when I look back I see all that love.  It's still here, all that love. 
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6 comments:

The VW's said...

Everything must be and feel different without Marie. I can't imagine, although I've tried. My mom recently said that "it must be even harder to lose a child that has special needs, just for the fact that so much of your day was filled up with loving and caring for their them. Your days must be VERY different and empty too, without sweet Marie.

I pray for you often. I have something to send you, but I am HORRIBLE about getting to the post office, so you may be waiting a while. Just know that I am thinking of you and your family! I pray that God will give you strength, peace and grace. HUGS!

Nena and Reese said...

Thinking of you. Sending peace and light. Nena

Anonymous said...

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28

seems to me, there are many times, life gives us more than we can handle. keep leaning on Him.

Mindy Pfohl said...

Shan- I'm praying with you. I cry for you often. Hugs my friend! Big big hugs!

Anonymous said...

Shan- I do understand your thoughts. You are not alone. Lori is not alone. Thank you for sharing your honest thoughts and emotions with us. It helps to know that God is big enough to reach across the miles to mend empty, broken hearts.
Megan's Memaw

ABandCsMom said...

I simply can not imagine your pain. How you go on each day is amazing to me. I just ache for you and your loss. However, I rejoice with you on your newest addition, Sarah. I believe this little gal will see you through your pain and sorrow. We continue prayers for you.