Thursday, October 01, 2009

It is...

Today I was finishing lunch while watching Sarah doze in the swing and the doorbell rang.  I opened it and a plain white envelope was given to me.  Inside was Marie's death certificate.

Death. Certificate.

I would have been finishing feeding her lunch, getting noon medicine ready, preparing to snuggle up with her on a cold and windy day for a nap.  Instead I was handed this cold white envelope with reality inside.  In green and gray ink my nightmare written on paper.  Rie Rie's life ordered into boxes.  Race: white, sex: female, age: 2.  Never married.  Never worked.  And I sobbed.

My baby, my perfect princess, reality on paper.  This is so hard, I was not expecting to get hit with this today.

Also in the envelope a bill from the funeral home... did you know they charge $17.50 for a Death Certificate?  That is how much it costs to have a piece of paper proving your child has died...

I take comfort in her being safe.  I've had to let her go a bit, just as I did when Josie started kindergarten.  Let their time be spent elsewhere, where they need to be... still, it's so hard not to have her here with me.  My sweet, sweet Marie...  It is what it is, and today it is hard.

Photobucket

13 comments:

Maijken from Oregon said...

This brought tears to my eyes. A little, sweet life cut short. :( It's so sad. And now the concrete proof. You didn't need it. I don't think anyone needs a 'death' certificate to prove they lost a loved one. It's hard enough to deal with.
You all have been in my prayers since forever. And today, you still are.. even moreso. *gentle hugs*

signingcharity said...

I am visiting you again from ourspecialneedslife. I mourn with you as I also hurt for Ken and Lori, from the other blog, as well as a friend of mine who buried her stillborn daughter 5 years ago today. May Jesus hold you all so tight and give you the peace we can not even fathom.

Anonymous said...

God's love for us remains constant. He is always there, guiding us through decisions and helping us do the hard things...... always restoring in us a sense of hope and peace, no matter what we are facing.....

missing rie's life with you.

ABandCsMom said...

Oh my goodness. That breaks my heart. I'm so very sorry you had to deal with that today. Hold tight to those two precious little girls of yours. They will carry you through this difficult time.

2awesomekidz said...

When you feel Lonely
When You feel Lonely
When a person you love passes away
Look to the night sky on a clear day.
The star that to you, appears to be bright,
Will be your loved one,
Looking upon you during the night.
The lights of heaven are what shows through
As your loved one watches all that you do.
When you feel lonely for the one that you love,
Look to the Heavens in the night sky above.

Author unknown

LOVE YOU!

The VW's said...

I'm so sorry Shan! This pain that you feel must be so difficult on you! I can't believe that anyone would ever be prepared to read those words on paper! Please know that I'm praying for you! HUGS!!!

Shelly said...

Heartbreaking. I'm so sorry for your loss. I cannot even let my mind go where you have been. Losing one of my children... I can't wrap my mind around that. Thank the Lord, that she walks with Him everyday, complete, whole, perfect! You have touched my soul and I pray for you and your family during this difficult journey you are on now.

Melinda said...

Shannon, I am so sorry. I don't know if that is the right thing to say but I don't know what else to say. I hate the grief and ache you feel. No parent should have to feel such heartache. You will continue to be in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

When God takes something from your grasp, God is not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better. Concentrate on this sentence... "The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you"

clarissa said...

Shannon,
Oh how my heart aches for you... my eyes shed tears for you.. and a little for myself... as I know one day, possibly soon, we will be feeling the same horrible loss. I know what you mean about Marie being perfect... thats how I feel about Abigail.. the closest thing possible to perfection on earth, an angel! Often, through out the day, I close my eyes and see Maries beautiful smile, her expressions, her eyes... so much like my Abigail... crazy as it sounds... but I miss Marie! And, I pray and pray for you... that Jesus would hold you close to Him, bring you comfort.. hope, peace! I can't imagine, yet I do imagine it often, what you are feeling... I know how you must rejoice that Marie is no longer suffering, that she can forever be at rest and peace.. I know how I long for that for Abigail, but to have your baby gone... Oh Shannon, how empty you must feel at times! Praying that God will fill you with his everlasting peace and Love! *hugs* ~Clarissa with Abigail Rose and family

clarissa west said...

Oh ya, was going to say that we also just had our wedding anniversary, on Sept. 28. We have been married 7 years now! Congrats to you and Luke on a blessed marriage!
That picture of Marie is so precious and beautiful! *hugs* again!

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you Shan. **hugs***

Jackie

Colleen said...

((((hugs))))