Today I was finishing lunch while watching Sarah doze in the swing and the doorbell rang. I opened it and a plain white envelope was given to me. Inside was Marie's death certificate.
I would have been finishing feeding her lunch, getting noon medicine ready, preparing to snuggle up with her on a cold and windy day for a nap. Instead I was handed this cold white envelope with reality inside. In green and gray ink my nightmare written on paper. Rie Rie's life ordered into boxes. Race: white, sex: female, age: 2. Never married. Never worked. And I sobbed.
My baby, my perfect princess, reality on paper. This is so hard, I was not expecting to get hit with this today.
Also in the envelope a bill from the funeral home... did you know they charge $17.50 for a Death Certificate? That is how much it costs to have a piece of paper proving your child has died...
I take comfort in her being safe. I've had to let her go a bit, just as I did when Josie started kindergarten. Let their time be spent elsewhere, where they need to be... still, it's so hard not to have her here with me. My sweet, sweet Marie... It is what it is, and today it is hard.