Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Nothing much...

Nothing much is going on in our world... we just sort of float through the days.  Still struggling to establish a routine, still trying to adjust to a completely different life.  I wonder what to update about.  Things are quieter, if feels like there is just not as much going on as there used to be.

We have confirmed the design for Marie's headstone and my understanding is that it will be ordered this week, I hope that it arrives quickly.  They will only place stones if the temperatures are above freezing and I would really like it to be in place before winter arrives.

We've seen some gloomy weather here.  Sarah's first snow came over the weekend, we got around 5 inches and lots of freezing rain and mist.  Josie went out and played in the snow a little on Saturday, but it never got above freezing that day so she wasn't outside long.  Winter has come early it seems, they say it will be a hard one.  I cannot help but think that of course God knew, perhaps that is why Little Mama was called home at the end of summer...  Summer is over now... those four words resonate in more ways than one.

Luke and I talk and talk... we try to make sense of things.  We cannot help but feel that our innocence is gone.  I wonder if we ever again will laugh so freely, joke so readily... we are changed people.  That is certain.

Josie is doing well, she takes it in stride.  The days she doesn't want to come home from school because Marie's not there are fewer now.  She takes care of Pony for Rie, she sleeps with her every night and loves all over that stuffed animal often.  She has three in her bed at all times now, her beloved Bunny (of course) but she has adopted Pony for Rie Rie, and a penguin that she picked out all by herself to give Marie for her first Christmas.  She has a picture on her wall beside her bed of her little sister on her second birthday... she says she sleeps with her at night and the other day in the car she swore to me that she saw Heaven.  I do not doubt it.

It is harder now... times passage seems proof that life can go on without Marie...  It is hard to wrap my mind around.  Some days are good, on days that are worse I don't know how we could possibly move on.  I'm at a loss for how to start... still, we have a new bedtime schedule, and we do things differently every  morning with breakfast and getting ready for school.  I have not made oatmeal or cream of wheat for over a month now.  I used to make it every morning for Rie.  My entire day is different so we must be moving forward...

We went and had lunch with Marie's hospice nurse yesterday.  It was so good to see her, and she finally got to love all over Sarah.  I miss the people that used to be so much a part of our days.  Now that Marie is gone there is no Barb on Mondays, no mid-week massage from the occupational therapist, no venting to speech about how to get Marie to like the texture of fruit.  It is quieter, fewer people in and out of the house.  I drift around doing laundry and dishes, cooking dinner, trying recipes, cooing at Sarah.  The empty place is still there...  I'm waiting for when Little Mama's absence doesn't hurt quite so badly, the books, people who have been there tell me it will come.

It's gloomy today with a freezing mist coming down... I am taking an angel statue out to the cemetery.  It has a little bird on it that glows at night, and though I know she's not there, I like the idea of Rie Rie having a nightlight...

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10 comments:

ABandCsMom said...

I think your blog will help you through these very trying times. You're able to write about your feelings. That's a very good thing. Good therapy for you. I too, like the idea of the "nightlight".

2awesomekidz said...

Such a huge change and life adjust to go through! Praying the headstone goes in before winter!
Keeping you all in our prayers!
Love you!
Tami

Mindy Pfohl said...

I love you Shan! Remember, when you don't have the strength, God does! He will hold you. I know He will! ~Mindy

RC said...

it will come. love you.

The VW's said...

It breaks my heart thinking of the pain that you and your family are facing! There really are no words to comfort, I'm sure.

You are so good at expressing your feelings here on this blog! I pray that this will be an aid to getting to "that point" that people and books say will happen someday. I can't imagine that one could ever reach that point, but I'm told that it does get easier.

I pray that God will give you peace that only He can provide. Know that you are thought of and prayed for often! LOVE, HUGS and PRAYERS!!!

Michaelene said...

I find myself fumbling with words that might have some meaning in light of what you're feeling and struggling through - and there are none.
Please know that I think of you, the girls and Luke often - and I send all of you my love, support and prayers.

Anonymous said...

Hello Shannon...I am Christy's sister, Val. I have wanted to contact you, but have wanted to respect this very difficult time. My family has been grieving...through Christy. Please know that we have cried, talked about Marie, have heard frustations, great stories, memories, etc. I am so happy to know that Christy has such a wonderful friend in you and your husband. As I sit and read your piercing words, I cry and wonder how you are expected to move on. But being Christian...there is no other way. We have to move on and tend to our families. You are obviously strong, lovely and worth every single breath taken. Your daughters can only hope someday to be as strong as their mommy and daddy. You are special- a great wife, awesome mom, and cherished friend. Know that our prayers are with you every day Shannon and Luke. Though we are miles apart, and really only aquaintances...we are here to help your family in any way. My niece and nephew are so lucky to have your daughters in their lives. One gone, but never ever forgotten. She is your little mama...whom we will always keep close to our hearts. My sister has passed that on to us and we are so lucky to have been able to have had her in our lives. She loved and still loves that little girl that she got to spend the last day with. I am so proud of her...being so brave and strong to sing to Marie..to read to her. I will never understand the depth of your pain...but know that we have felt a small portion of it. One second at a time....you will make it. Marie is RUNNING....JUMPING....you name it, she is there! That is what I leave you with...HOPE. Hope that Marie is happier where she is now. With our Lord. Thanks Shannon for listening to me..I guess this is my way of understanding this experience.

Jen said...

I found your site through Tami's.. I lost my daughter to Mito DNA depletion and Alpers (a lovely mix) in may.. I still feel like a ghost of who I use to be..I was making myself crazy by trying to figure out the "whys" and "what if's"..I am so sorry for your loss.. hugs to you and your family..

Nicole said...

Hi Shan,

I found your blog some time ago through MckMama's BlogFrog.. I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your heart.. every time I come to your blog I cry and I'm not a crier.. it is good what you are doing... Keep sharing...

Anonymous said...

your little mama has impacted many...let the knowledge of promises...keep you putting one foot in front of the other...