Nothing much is going on in our world... we just sort of float through the days. Still struggling to establish a routine, still trying to adjust to a completely different life. I wonder what to update about. Things are quieter, if feels like there is just not as much going on as there used to be.
We have confirmed the design for Marie's headstone and my understanding is that it will be ordered this week, I hope that it arrives quickly. They will only place stones if the temperatures are above freezing and I would really like it to be in place before winter arrives.
We've seen some gloomy weather here. Sarah's first snow came over the weekend, we got around 5 inches and lots of freezing rain and mist. Josie went out and played in the snow a little on Saturday, but it never got above freezing that day so she wasn't outside long. Winter has come early it seems, they say it will be a hard one. I cannot help but think that of course God knew, perhaps that is why Little Mama was called home at the end of summer... Summer is over now... those four words resonate in more ways than one.
Luke and I talk and talk... we try to make sense of things. We cannot help but feel that our innocence is gone. I wonder if we ever again will laugh so freely, joke so readily... we are changed people. That is certain.
Josie is doing well, she takes it in stride. The days she doesn't want to come home from school because Marie's not there are fewer now. She takes care of Pony for Rie, she sleeps with her every night and loves all over that stuffed animal often. She has three in her bed at all times now, her beloved Bunny (of course) but she has adopted Pony for Rie Rie, and a penguin that she picked out all by herself to give Marie for her first Christmas. She has a picture on her wall beside her bed of her little sister on her second birthday... she says she sleeps with her at night and the other day in the car she swore to me that she saw Heaven. I do not doubt it.
It is harder now... times passage seems proof that life can go on without Marie... It is hard to wrap my mind around. Some days are good, on days that are worse I don't know how we could possibly move on. I'm at a loss for how to start... still, we have a new bedtime schedule, and we do things differently every morning with breakfast and getting ready for school. I have not made oatmeal or cream of wheat for over a month now. I used to make it every morning for Rie. My entire day is different so we must be moving forward...
We went and had lunch with Marie's hospice nurse yesterday. It was so good to see her, and she finally got to love all over Sarah. I miss the people that used to be so much a part of our days. Now that Marie is gone there is no Barb on Mondays, no mid-week massage from the occupational therapist, no venting to speech about how to get Marie to like the texture of fruit. It is quieter, fewer people in and out of the house. I drift around doing laundry and dishes, cooking dinner, trying recipes, cooing at Sarah. The empty place is still there... I'm waiting for when Little Mama's absence doesn't hurt quite so badly, the books, people who have been there tell me it will come.
It's gloomy today with a freezing mist coming down... I am taking an angel statue out to the cemetery. It has a little bird on it that glows at night, and though I know she's not there, I like the idea of Rie Rie having a nightlight...