Wednesday, April 08, 2009

I am...

I am tired.

I have spent too much time thinking at late hours.

I'm terrified of Marie not getting over this cold. What will I do if she can't bounce back, what if she can't be comfortable anymore? What will I do if we ever reach the time when I can no longer comfort her?

I am emotional.

I am out of patience and not at my nicest. I feel a little sorry for the girl at the insurance company that I had to talk to this morning.

I am waiting for my nails to dry, I gave myself a pedicure. I need to just relax and let go.

I have waited in the darkness to hear God's voice and heard nothing. I know He's there, but I'd like to hear Him answer.

I am enjoying Josie. She is writing get well notes for her Daddy and sister this morning.

I am so grateful that the sun is shining.

I am never giving Marie Tylenol with Codeine again. At times last night she struggled to breath, shivered for no apparent reason, gasped to cough and I could do nothing but be at the foot of the Cross. It was a hard night.

I am hoping I do not get this cold.

I am confused by 5 year old logic. Josie wanted to spell really. "How do you spell it Mama?" "R, E, A, L, L," "I'm ready for the next letter" I said, "Y". "Because MAMA, I am trying to spell a word here".

I need to pick up my girl who's trying to cough again. She won't even smile this morning.

Jesus, if You're listening.... You know what I'm trying to say.

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4 comments:

Holly said...

He is listening my darling Shan! He is right here, holding you and lifting up your darling baby. Sometimes the rain and the thunder are so loud we can't hear God, but he is still there.
"I saw Amen, and it's still raining. As the thunder rolls, I barely hear your whisper through the rain "I'm with you"..." I love you!! Call if you need someone to talk to.

Michaelene Sargent said...

My Prayers are carrying all of you safely within His hands, cuddled near his heart, close enough so that you may whisper into His ear. He is carrying you - not to worry my friend, He has you - all of you. Narcotics are a terrifying drug - I can only imagine what Marie was dreaming and seeing under the influence of such strong meds. I remember being on the pump in the hospital after I had Sophia - I begged them to take it off, I would survive with just the regular ole tylenol. It's a dreamlike state even when you're awake. My love, my thoughts and my prayers are with you and wrapped especially tight around Marie as she continues to fight off this superbug. Be still - He's busy healing Marie - He'll speak to you when you're ready to hear Him.

The VW's said...

I'm so sorry! I'll be praying for you and all of your family! Sometimes it does feel like we are all alone in our struggles, doesn't it? He is there and He is listening! Hang on until you can 'feel' Him again, it will happen!

I pray that you are able to get some sleep, that you stay healthy, that Marie gets better real soon and that you may find the peace that you need to get through this difficult time!

"My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." James 1:2-4

Love and Hugs!!!

2awesomekidz said...

My whole heart goes out to you! Really what else is there to say. It all sucks so bad! I wish I was there to hold you! You deserve all the pampering life has!
Josie cracks me up! Sounds just like something Paige would say!
Praying and thinking of you all the time!