Friday, July 25, 2008

What can you say?

This finds me at the end of yet another long week. Marie is doing alright, though it's really hour to hour. She has started smiling again. What a blessing, WHAT A GIFT! I had all but forgotten (or maybe ignored) how your heart can swell to see your child smile at you. It is something that I enjoy with Josie, but I found other ways to see that Marie was pleased; and then, a smile. THANK YOU LORD! They are fast and fleeting, not huge gum bearing grins, but they are all mine.

I have this joy, this knowledge that Marie does feel happiness. It lifts my heart up, gives me hope, and then on the other hand I am watching my friend Tami struggle and grieve as Landon falters. It is breaking my heart. What can you say?

I wake up and find myself in a place no one wants to be. Most days I do okay, I wake and I'm joyful that for the moment I have my babies, it is summertime, and I just try to appreciate the small things. How good the water in our little backyard pool feels, my geraniums on the back porch (to those who don't know, I have a wicked way with geraniums, they thrive for me and it's something I don't totally understand because I don't do anything special), a nice cold Easy Street Wheat (thank you Matt!). I have found myself in a place where life is so uncertain, the future too terrifying to contemplate that I literally just live in the moments. What can you say?

I'm so sad that Landon appears to be loosing his fight, and so elated that Marie can show joy. I'm so saddened that both Josie and Landon's big sister Paige are having to prepare to loose their baby brother and sister in time.

Josie told me the other day, "When Marie goes to heaven, that is when we should get a dog." Just let those words sink in. It is our reality. No matter how good she's doing now, no matter how much I live in the moment and don't think about the future, it is inevitable. It will happen, and my sweet, sweet 4 year old is thinking into the future and past it.

This is where I am hit hardest. What will I do? What will we do? What will I say when we go out to eat and they look at our family and say "how many"? It is just overwhelming, and mostly I do enough treading to keep my head above water and I manage to keep these dark thoughts from bogging me down. And then one day I wake up and slip. I spend my time like a drowning woman flailing my arms about, looking for footing.

My wonderful friend Christy gave me a book of evening devotionals for my birthday. Why evening? Who has time to read those in the morning? Really, no matter how much you want to it just doesn't happen. Anyway, this week, one of the devotionals was:

Psalms 25:1- To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul;

I kept thinking it over and over all week, and I know that is really what I need to do. When I am burdened, overwhelmed, drowning in fear, doubt and worry, I need to just lift up my soul. Let Him be the one in charge. My Lord has this all planned out, He sent Jesus to die for me, knew that I would be mother to Marie, He knew the journey He had planned for me. All I need to do is lift my soul up, give my life to Him, let Him use me as He sees fit. He is my light and my salvation, and all the sorrows of this world will only feel like a moment when I set foot in Heaven. So, I feel compelled to write about it. I hope that you will feel His light, I hope that you are able to lift up your soul, to find the peace and salvation that I find in my dear Jesus. I need to just let go and let my Father carry me. How simple a thought but difficult an action at times. I am such a control freak!

I hope that the weekend is good to all of you. Harvest is over, it has been for a few days actually. I wanted to take pictures but I never did, it's okay though. The pictures below are from last year. I'm just grateful to have Luke home, this will be the first weekend he's here with us in over two weeks. We're going to just relax and enjoy it. My love to all-

Cut wheat
Harvested field with a storm rolling in.

My babies one year ago...

Ec 7:3 -
Sorrow is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart.


Michaelene said...

Praise God! I am brought to tears by this post for a few reasons. But the most wonderful part of tears is they can signify joy & pain, and hearing that Marie is smiling has filled my heart with such joy - I am so, so happy and grateful for you guys! I am basking in the joy of little smiles, with you, Praising God for being so good.

And Praying, still Praying ... for Marie and Landon, for Josie and Paige, for YOU and Luke, for Tami and Mike - Praying for all of you, for peace, comfort, insight, courage, rest, laughter, health, strength, faith and all intentions you may have.

Sending you an unbelievable amount of love, enjoy your weekend with your beautiful family.

Holly said...

Thank you so much for being a light to this world. I am so glad that I have had the joy of knowing a small piece of you. I feel that you write your heart. What a powerful message you have. What an example you are. I am so overjoyed that Marie smiled... it really is the little things in life. I am in no position to tell you how you should be feeling, but I do want to encourage you that in your pain I think you are soaring. You are a beautiful soul. I am so thankful for Marie and Josie and Luke, that you are the one God blessed that family with as a mother and wife. May God keep you.
Give Josie a hug from me. :) Big sisters need extra hugs sometimes. :)